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This story is part of our blog series called “Stories from the OCD Community.”  Stories from the community are submitted and edited by Toni Palombi. If you are interested in sharing your story you can view submission details at www.iocdf.org/ocd-stories.

Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is treatable and I am living proof.

Now 34, I have endured OCD since high school, including three major episodes coupled with depression and suicidality.  I know what it’s like to believe recovery is impossible. Waking up to face another day of on-going automatic thoughts is horrific.  I’ve spent years besieged by intrusive thoughts where sleep was not even an escape. The anxiety kept me awake and this only made the cycle of torture continue.

OCD is better understood today than it was 15 years ago when I first began to visit different doctors and psychologists to explain my symptoms. And even then, the symptoms I experienced were difficult to associate with a specific disorder:  upset stomach, rapid heart-beat, inability to concentrate, blurry vision, constant fatigue, inability to sleep, racing repetitive thoughts, and no longer finding enjoyment in activities which once brought me joy. Due to this, none of the specialists I saw diagnosed me with depression or OCD.

Though the OCD and depression remained undiagnosed, it continued to impact my life.  While at college, I had to take a year off as I experienced frequent panic attacks and could not think straight. Trying to study while being flooded with anxiety was impossible. Any place I had a panic attack I would thereafter avoid which only made the problem worse. It was frightening as I had no idea what was wrong with me, and medical professionals were unable to diagnose my condition.

When I tried to explain what was going on in my head, many people thought I was either joking or making it up. Some people even laughed.  As I did not have outward visible compulsions such as hand-washing (which is commonly associated with OCD), it made it harder for people to understand.

When I completed college and was preparing to enter law school, I experienced another year of obsessive thoughts and depression. Though I still had not been diagnosed, I took the initiative to attend a program at Mass General Hospital (MGH) for OCD, and finally I realized that this was in fact what I was suffering from. At MGH I learned about exposure and response therapy, which is effective for treating OCD; it helped me tremendously. I would write my thoughts on paper or record them. Reading/listening to them over and over bores the brain by making you confront your fears instead of avoiding them. After a year of therapy and the right medications, I returned to work. With a desire to pursue a new career, I also began attending night classes.

Though I have made progress with managing my OCD, it continues to be a part of my life. Recently, because of OCD and depression, I had to take a leave of absence from my job.  During this time, I endured two stays at McLean Hospital’s acute unit, each time for a period of two weeks. I attended their OCD program and again confronted my fears with exposure and response therapy. I was certain the only way out of the hell of my repetitive thoughts was to kill myself; but I hung in there because I knew if I did kill myself, I would have hurt those closest to me.  I began electroconvulsive therapy for depression, which I found extremely helpful. From my personal experience, I feel that I had to first treat my depression in order to treat my OCD.

OCD is like having two brains: a “normal” brain and an OCD brain.  Think of OCD as a separate entity; you are not your thoughts. People with OCD have the same thoughts as people with “normal” brains, but our brains get stuck in an uncontrollable loop we can’t stop. It is uncontrollable because no amount of reassurance from someone else or self-rationalizing will help.

Understandably, it may be hard for people to fathom unless they have experienced something similar. Imagine if someone says: ‘try not thinking about a pink elephant for one minute.’ Of course, it is very difficult to not think about a pink elephant. Now, imagine instead of a pink elephant, it’s a thought that makes you feel startled or scared all day long. Combine those feelings with a sadness so deep, you don’t want to wake up anymore.

I believe that it is a waste of time and energy explaining your thoughts to people who refuse to understand; it is much more useful to talk to a therapist who understands OCD and wants to help. I was lucky to find a good therapist through the International OCD Foundation website.

OCD waxes and wanes over a lifetime, but life is worth living and it can get better with treatment.  If you believe you have truly reached rock bottom, please don’t ever give up. Seek the help you deserve. I did and I’m still here.

Jonathan is a web developer living in Boston, Massachusetts.  He wants people to know that no matter how horrible they feel, they can get better.

114 Comments

    • Zejna Halilbasic

      What a great article and I am so happy for you! I also suffer from ocd thoughts and I am really desperate.
      It is a great tip to record yourself and listen to it, I did immediately and will listen to it every day. Is there anything else you can recommend to do? I feel so hopeless, I really want to change my situation. One more question can ocd be cured? Are you completely symptom free today? Please give me some hope. Thank you so much in advance!

      Reply
      • Jonathan

        OCD can’t be “cured” but I believe if you stick with ERP it can come pretty damn close. ERP takes time and recovery is not linear. I have ups and down in my recovery. However, in my experience, I have habituated to every intrusive thought I’ve suffered from, and there are many. I can go weeks/months without them popping up and when they do, it’s a blip on the radar and it’s gone.

        It’s not easy, you have to do the homework. Everyday for an hour I’ll listen to my recording until I habituate. I wish I wasn’t like this and have felt hopeless, but OCD is definitely treatable and exposure response prevention does work if you invest the time.

        I’m not symptom free, but pretty damn close and I can say my life is better having been through this shit. It made me appreciate things more. I wish I didn’t have it, there’s nothing fun or cute about being OCD. Hang in there.

        Reply
        • Anthony Borgniet

          You story sounds exactly like mine.

          I’d like to connect with you.

          Do you have a social media account or something?

          Reply
        • Daniel.V

          Hi jonathan, I just turned 18 and ocd has only gotten worse i need to count, tap, repeat words and specific clock times and the thoughts accosiated with them. its like my head is racing and sleeping is nearly impossible, which is why i skip school too.but i realized that if you give value and attention to ocd it only gets worse, so i stopped and everytime a thought like you need to do this 8 times or your cat or brother dies. i just pause and think that will this really affect me…no way it does and after a while my head felt clear and i could finally do things normally and focus. i hope i dont fall back to where i started…hell i couldnt even eat or play my favorite video game before midnight or someone in my family dies, you see how stupid that is. i think ocd is treatable by exposure and time. nobody deserves stress and anxiety over nothing. some people have it even worse than me i was able to recover with willpower and patience and english is not my main language as i am from finland
          so its not perfect

          Reply
          • Jonathan

            Your English is fine. ERP will not be replaced anytime soon with a better way to defeat OCD. Medication can certainly help as well. OCD thoughts, it doesn’t matter what the context is, it’s JUST OCD. Meaning, the thoughts could be about pancakes or apples, it’s a glitch in the brain called OCD. Keep surviving friend.

      • Kirsty

        I completely understand everything you have been feeling, thank you for sharing this. I am also suffering with repetitive intrusive thoughts that switch all the time. It makes me feel as if I have to keep thinking them as I will be a step closer to working them out, even though I know I won’t be. If I have a moment where I’m calm or I’m happy and not focusing on the thoughts it will crop up and make me feel guilty for not acknowledging the thoughts. I have never been diagnosed with OCD or even anxiety despite having many of the symptoms for years.

        Reply
        • Jonathan

          I would see an OCD specialist. These thoughts will not be “worked” out. They take ERP and medication. ERP is to bore your brain of them. It’s basically SPAM your brain is repeating, nonsense, the content or subject of the thoughts does not matter. It’s a brain glitch and ERP, by constantly exposing and forcing your brain to go over them with the help of a specialist is the correct way to recover.

          Reply
        • William Winters

          I’m the same way, I’m actually really tired of it lately. I’m getting to old to be feeling like this. I feel stuck and my mind is just tired . I feel burnt out

          Reply
          • Jonathan

            OCD treatment works. I highly recommend you reach out. Don’t give up my friend.

    • red rob

      Thank You, Johnathan. It helps a lot already knowing that I am not alone… Pure OCD has been tormenting me, too… I am on meds for depression (with anxiety) and borderline personality disorder. The struggle is continuous and I learn significantly through my psychotherapy.

      Reply
      • Hi Rob,

        Yes, I don’t have outward compulsions either, mine are mental. I’m still practicing ERP and challenging OCD everyday. Hang in there.

        http://webeatocd.com

        Reply
        • Joe

          I actually have gotten PSTD from the therapy I went through it did harm and it did good I will never ever subject myself to that exposure again exposure therapy works for most but to me it left me worse to think of the things I had to expose myself to

          Reply
    • Holly

      Hi I have a question- my husband was diagnosed with OCD and has many different subjects or themes. He doesn’t seem to be affected greatly by them as it’s been 3 years since the diagnosis, he still is not treated and has no desire to do erp. I get more anxiety about the thoughts in his head than he does.. and there is this thing in me that was a sureness that is it just thoughts and not him.
      The other day when talking about sexual thoughts he has I asked him like will he ever do these and said who knows if I’m 10 years you are doing these bad things, and he said who knows in 10 years there’s never a 100% about anything and this really freaked me out because I know 100% I will not be harming someone or hurting someone sexually or something absurd. Then he went back and said it was a bad example- but I don’t know how to handle all these very scary thoughts he has and that comment seemed really weird to me. What do you suggest?

      Reply
      • Holly

        I don’t want to be a judgemental spouse. But I also get scared by the thoughts in his head and it’s hard for me to know if it’s 100% ocd does that make sense?

        Reply
        • Jonathan

          If he has been diagnosed with OCD by someone reputable, then I’d say it’s OCD. The asking if you or him would do this or not do these things is anxiety and OCD. Reassurance seeking is an OCD compulsion. I would really recommend he talk to someone about exposure response prevention with a OCD specialist, not just a general psychologist. If he hasn’t already, a psychiatrist for medication. ERP can be scary at first, but it is the gold star for OCD. People with OCD have thoughts about killing their kids, it doesn’t mean they are going to do it.

          Reply
          • Debbie Borrie

            Yes I fully understand I get weird thoughts all day sometimes they are so evil it’s terrible. I have had this condition for 30 years and never really get a break from brain, only when I sleep. My doctor changing my meds but meds don’t help. It’s like living in he’ll for 30 years. But I am strong so will put up with it until I die

        • Ben Shaun Brader

          Hi I’m ben 34 and recently do to the stress of lock down my mental health has taking a turn for the worst . I’ve started to get persistent intrusive thoughts and I’m finding it hard to control them and it’s making life very difficult for me at the moment. I’ve had intrusive thoughts couple years ago and managed to get rid of them but I’m not sure how . These thoughts are sexual intrusive thoughts around certain people and sometimes anyone and it makes ne feel disgusting . I have health anxiety at the moment really bad and would appreciate anyone’s advice or help . Many thanks ben

          Reply
          • Jessica Price

            Hi Ben–I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. Please contact us at info@iocdf.org so we can get you support.

          • Jonathan

            Please reach out as Jessica recommended. The content of your thoughts, the subject matter, don’t matter. It’s OCD. OCD treatment works, find the right therapist. You can do it.

          • Wms

            Jonathan, is there a way to message you privately?

          • Jonathan

            Wms, my email address is below.

      • Matthew Tadrous

        It feels somewhat better to be understood.

        Reply
        • Jonathan

          That’s great!

          Reply
    • Emily

      Crying because this described how I feel everyday. My only escape is sleep, which never seems to last long enough and as soon as I wake up I am bombaarded with thoughts and large amounts of anxiety. I have reached the point where I sometimes think “I would rather be dead then have to deal with these thoughts’ I don’t have a therapist, one of the main things I’m terrified of, is going to a therapist and then they tell me “This isn’t OCD”. What do I do then? Having these thoughts and the amount of anxiety that comes with them is not normal.

      Reply
      • Ocd

        Omg this is literally me!!! I have had inappropriate thoughts in the past which at first I felt was normal although I was kinda confused. But then, now I think back on them, I am totally shocked and terrified!! I don’t know if those thoughts are intrusive or not, and I’m really scared that they are. They haunt me in the present and cause me to feel uncomfortable around the people appeared in my past thoughts.

        Reply
        • Ocd

          I mean I’m scared that those aren’t inteusive thoughts (i made a typo in the previous comment)

          Reply
      • Jonathan

        I used to only get relief though sleep as well. It took me awhile before finding the right therapist and right course of treatments. You are not alone. Reach out, OCD and depression are highly treatable. Be well.

        Reply
      • William Winters

        I actually have trouble finding therapy. There’s so many different types. I recently went to a psychiatrist. They put me on a few medications. I really don’t know if it’s helping or not. I’m just run down 😥

        Reply
        • Jessica Price

          Hi William — Thank you for your comment, and I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Please contact us at (617) 973-5801 or info@iocdf.org and our resource specialist will help you find the right support for you.

          Reply
          • Abdul Salam

            I have a ocd in each & everything thing .for while it control then agin re start. What to do ? Please give some kind of advice ? Thank u .

      • Jonathan H Symond

        Reach out for help. That’s OCD on top of OCD making you afraid to reach out for help in case it isn’t “OCD.”

        Reply
      • Jonathan

        OCD is telling you to avoid getting help and that your OCD thoughts are real. OCD is very smart and will lie to you all the time. Get help from a trained OCD specialist. You deserve it.

        Reply
  • Sarah Laubinger

    Jonathan is living proof that as awful depression and OCD can be they are not insurmountable. As a society we have not done a very good job understanding how dihabilitiating depression and OCD can be. I believe Jonathan is here to help share his story of how little by little a person suffering can overcome the pain and confusion he’s felt for most of his life. I also feel very strongly that his suffering has been deep but not without purpose. In every tragedy, there is triumph and something to be learned. For me, I’ve learned from his experience and want to encourage other family of loved ones suffering from depression to leave judgement at the door, and put to work what mankind was intended to — which is to liove without condition or prejudice. Jonathan is more brave, bright and brilliant than most — he deserves everyone’s love and respect so he can do all of the great things I know he’s capable of … XO

    Reply
    • Kagan

      Thank you for this, I’m trying to understand what’s wrong with me. I can’t afford help, and I can’t truly tell anyone what’s going on in my head lately. I’m fighting so hard to try and do better on my own for my child and girlfriend. I was raised in what I believe to be a mentally ill household with religion and dilusion mixed.

      Reply
      • William Winters

        I Feel the same way. I’m currently plagued by paranoia about dementia because I feel like I’m running at a low speed. I just don’t feel right and to be honest I don’t think I’ve ever really lived my best life. That’s all I really want. Just to have a day that I can go out with my family without being consumed with bullshit. I just want to feel normal. The part that sucks is I feel alone. It’s relieving coming here and knowing I’m not alone.

        Reply
      • Call 211 and ask them to refer you to a place that will treat you for free or on a sliding fee scale from your income. I’m just a regular person who has suffered from OCD as a child with repetitive hand washing and then all the other things started like counting, checking, being scared of the thoughts I couldn’t get rid of, the magical thinking of rituals that you must touch something a million times so a loved one wouldn’t get hurt. It was just coincidence that the ritual compulsions who be reinforced because at some point the anxiety went away. It’s a nightmare brain disordered and chaotic environments or stress triggers it. You might find that some prescription drug helps like Prozac or Anafranil. I’ve been on many different prescriptions including the older MAO inhibitors like Nardil.
        It’s not your fault there is a genetic component to it. My dad had it but didn’t know what it was. Both of my brothers have it and others in family. The disorder is like torture but medicine and talk therapy helps. Best wishes to you.

        Reply
  • Amanda Guarino

    This is a story much like my own, and strangely enough I also live in the same area as the author. It’s refreshing to see that someone else has gone through, and is still going through the exact same thing as me.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      There are a lot of people with OCD out there, and thankfully it is more understood today than in the past.

      Approximately 2.3% of the population between ages 18- 54 suffers from OCD, which out ranks mental disorders such as: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or panic disorder. In the U.S., approximately 3.3 million people have OCD,

      Reply
      • Pablo

        Jonathan sorry for asking, but what you mean in your text by “having the same thoughts as everyone”.. i came to think very weird stuff that you dont wanna know about. And very persistent. I havent been diagnosed with ocb, but i have been suffering by the same symptoms. In my case are extreme guilt and doubt about my past , present and future actions.; imaginong conversations; hypersexuality; sexual condition in permanent doubt ; harm ans violent thoughts, and so on. If any of you were to meet me you it will never occur to you about my inner constant civil war that is taking place in my mind, when at the same time Im talking to you. I also developed several adictions,..and I do often chech for security lights, google any kind of thing looking for reassurance
        Kind regards

        Reply
        • Pablo

          I do also try sometimes to recreate conversations or past actions in my mind, particularly looking for reassurance y moments in which I was not sober.

          I am not obsessed with order and cleaning, although when Im dirty It take me quite a lot.

          On the other hand, I have problems lending things because the “what if” thing. The what if thing is conditioning my whole life. Now with the corona its getting worst. Even..

          Reply
          • Pablo

            Besides, in my case works like this:

            Me enjoying a sanwich

            Brain: you feel relaxed

            Me: yeep

            Brain: well! But you know… you shouldnt. What was that thing that troubles you and you just forgot? Time to go back!

            The I suddenly stoped to enjoy my sandwich.

        • Jonathan

          Hi Pablo. People with OCD have the same thoughts as people with “normal” brains, but our brains get stuck in an uncontrollable loop we can’t stop. People without OCD have sexual, gross, violent, worried thoughts just like you and I do. However, their brains let them go without a problem. An OCD mind gets stuck on them, that’s the different between an OCD brain and a “normal” brain. Think of thoughts as leaves running down a river; with us, they get caught sometimes in the drain but with people without OCD, they flow freely. I hope that makes sense.

          Reply
          • Frances

            I totally agree with that. Before I was 22,i might think something odd to me and just let it go but after I had OCD, and the worst thought that I could imagine, I couldn’t stop worrying about why I would have thought it. That was 13 years ago.
            I’ve been diagnosed with ocd intrusive thoughts, severe anxiety and depression but the diagnosis doesn’t really help me have a clear mind knowing it’s not really my intentions. I’m hyper vigilant, just waiting for something to prove that my thoughts are real and I’m somehow hiding the real person (that I didn’t know about) inside.
            On rational days, I think it’s all ridiculous and get on like normal. On the bad days, I feel crippled and don’t want to leave my bed. Then I see my little girl and I know there is light and hope.

        • Jonathan

          Obsessions, the content or nature or subject of the thoughts does not matter. I have had OCD thoughts from running people over to shame about things I’ve done in my past. But telling me I didn’t run someone over or what I did wasn’t that bad, doesn’t make those thoughts go away, does it? It takes ERP and medication, constant exposure to your fear that bores the brain until extinction and habituation.

          Reply
    • Hello Jonathan,
      This is Aditya from India. I was diagnosed with OCD. I became sure about this after consulting a psychologist and a psychiatrist. From the very beginning I used to have unwanted thoughts like sexual thoughts related to my family members and I would think does this make me bad.
      OR mostly what if thoughts ..due to this my thoughts would engage in constant chatter at night and I’ll feel very disturbed and fearful. It’s mostly mental obsession since I don’t Have outward compulsion.I would try hard to assure that it’s not the case my thoughts are telling me here…Like if I hear a song some lines would start playing in my mind and a strange fear would accompany it..As I grew up every day I tried to assure that I am not crazy or having any mental disease but I’ll end up searching on net. Only till another thought pops in my mind and thus never ending loop of thoughts. From starting only my dreams were something to do greater in my life..but knowing I have ocd it feels like I can never fulfill them..Also I told my bhaiya since I trust him the most and he did take me to a psychiatrist and psychologist but still he feels that it’s just very normal and I am getting little high on thoughts..
      I know life is difficult and with ocd it’s somewhat more but still I want to live..I don’t want to be crushed within my own thoughts.. please help…

      Reply
      • Jessica Price

        Hi Aditya, thank you for sharing your story, and I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. Please contact us at info@iocdf.org so we can connect you with resources.

        Reply
      • Jonathan

        I have obsessions without outward compulsions. But, I would have compulsions such as reassurance seeking, checking, and asking people if I did something wrong. People without OCD have the same thoughts you and I are having, but they come and go with a non-OCD brain. OCD makes these thoughts stick, our brains are different. Listen to Jessica, get a therapist who knows how to treat OCD with ERP and a psychiatrist who knows how to treat OCD properly. Hang in there. Your life deserves to be better.

        Reply
  • Brigit Rotondi

    Thank you Jonathan, The ocd you describe sounds alot like what I go through. It is very difficult at times. The worry thoughts are so hard to just accept and let go of. What has helped me a bit has been dialectical behavior therapy and skills practice. Also removing myself from situations . I do get discouraged with treatment and coverage. This has been a major feat with me. Can I ask how you dealt with it? I have found a great therapist but not able to find a Dr. What other advice would you give someone going through similar? Thank you, B

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Hi Brigit,

      I’m not entirely sure what you mean by coverage? You can’t find a psychiatrist?

      The best things I can recommend is exposure therapy, over and over and over. I record my obsessions and listen to them repeatedly; sometimes it takes months. It’s not easy or fun, but I’d rather not live with OCD. OCD is my worst enemy and I do everything I can to improve every day. I too get discouraged some days, however, I persevere.

      The harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing. Stick with a program, do daily ERP; the best way out is always through. Some books I can recommend are:

      1. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts
      2. Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty
      3. Daring to Challenge OCD: Overcome Your Fear of Treatment and Take Control of Your Life Using Exposure and Response Prevention

      Reply
  • Diana Brown

    Thank you Jonathan. My son has OCD and this helps me so much. Every day is a new day!

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      You’re welcome. I hope he gets better.

      Reply
  • Christine Dimoulis

    Thank-you for sharing this awesome article about your struggles and explaining your OCD/depression with me. I now have a greater understanding of what you have been going through. I am so proud of you Jonathan. Your perseverance and determination to keep using exposure and response therapy so you can face each day is well stated as a working therapy. I admire your commitment to face the OCD/depression using the tools you have learned to keep moving on in-spite any possible set backs. I am glad you know you are loved by so many and you add life to us in ways you have no idea. I see you helping others with OCD/depression as evident with the responses to your article. Thank-you so very much! Love you, Christine

    Reply
  • Becky

    Your experience sounds much like what my son is going through. He to has been diagnosed with significant OCD/anxiety/depression. I know he would be very interested in learning techniques like exposure & response therapy to combat his negative thoughts & anxiety. Is it possible for you to provide contact info for the OCD programs at McLean & MGH? Thank you & I wish you well.

    Reply
  • Kishore kr. Lakhani

    Yes we have no other option other than cbt and acceptance

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Yes, and they work along with medication and practice.

      Reply
  • Emma

    Hi Jonathan,
    my name is Emma. I am only 15 years old and I suffer tremendously from OCD, depression, and anxiety. I hate myself for having these thoughts. For 2 years, I’ve been confused and alone, not knowing what was wrong with me. I researched my symptoms when I was 12, but never found anything sufficient or matching to what I was dealing with. The worst part that I ask myself is: will I ever have a normal life again? I’ve also had many suicidal thoughts about my life, and if it is still worth living. I still haven’t told my parents or therapist about my problems, but I plan to, and your article has helped me put in the effort to do so. I now realize that I’m not the only facing this everyday. Do you recommend anything I should do?
    Thank you for your help.
    -Emma

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Hi Emma, thanks for the question. I would recommend speaking to someone who you believe would be receptive and non judgmental. That can be a family member, friend, or even a teacher. If you live around Boston the best OCD specific therapists are at Mass General Hospital and McLean Hospital.

      I also thought suicide was the only way out. It isn’t. I live a “normal” life where long periods of time go by without any obsessions. Find the right therapist who knows about OCD and with hard work you can get better. The treatment works if you put the time and effort in. If you have any other questions please feel free to ask.

      https://www.mcleanhospital.org/ocd
      https://www.massgeneral.org/psychiatry/services/treatmentprograms.aspx?id=2022

      Reply
    • Claudiu

      Hei Emma,

      I sugest you talk to your family and your closest person you think would help. I am going through rough OCD thoughts of so many topics and I can’t even describe, it’s quite many tyoes and all not nice at all but since now I am 33 and these started whem I was a small kid now i know what it is and understand. I’ve been through medication and therapy when I was in university and it helped me a lot to understand what was going on. Now I am trying reading books and articles. Out if all info gathered about OCD I can truly say that exposure really helps, don’t close yourself inside a room, take risks outside in the real world because nothing will happen, thoughts are thoughts and life is worth leaving. Do sport or whatever you like, be yourself!
      I wish you all the best, Emma!

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      Hi Emma, just following up. Hope you are doing well and found help and support. The link down below may not work regarding MGH, but you can find help here: https://www.massgeneral.org/psychiatry. ERP along with medication are the two cornerstones of battling OCD.

      Reply
  • Nicole

    Johnathan I’m worried saying my horrible thoughts over and over again will just keep the thoughts alive?! How does saying them over and over work?

    Reply
    • Hi Nicole, saying the thoughts over and over doesn’t keep the thoughts alive, avoiding them keeps them alive. Try not thinking about a pink elephant and all you can think about is a pink elephant.

      Exposure and response prevention is the cornerstone of OCD treatment. Trust me, it works. I would read about ERP online and there are some good books about it on Amazon. If you are scared about beginning I would find an OCD therapist in your area. They can start you slow.

      Daring to Challenge OCD: Overcome Your Fear of Treatment and Take Control of Your Life Using Exposure and Response Prevention by Joan Davidson is a good start.

      As long as you avoid the thoughts, try not to think about them, or ask for reassurance they won’t happen, you won’t get better. It’s just OCD. You have a brain glitch as do I.

      Reply
    • Carmen

      Do you take medications?

      Reply
      • Jonathan

        Yes, specifically for OCD I found Lexapro very helpful and Lamotrigine for depression.

        Reply
  • Lexi McLaughlin

    My 9 year old son has extremely intense OCD and we are FINALLY on the right path to manage it. Luckily we recognized it quickly as my husband was held captive by his “OCD brain” without an outlet to understand/help for over 25 years. I have been the main coping mechanism for both at times through verbal affirmation of their thoughts but truly cannot comprehend this stuggle… strong seratonin in me i guess. But we are working hard to “ignore our OCD friend” at times!

    Thought starter… I WELCOME response: My son makes PERFECT rhythms with no effort. Whether tapping his hands or “beat boxing” which he LOVES. HIs rythms are complicated, intriguing but extremely symmetrical and dance-worthy 🙂 Does anyone have a more formal outlet for this rhythmatic coping mechanism? We’ve tried drums but didn’t entice him like his OWN rhythm.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      I tap my fingers, chew the sides of my mouth and do other sorts of finger counting. I found that having something else in your hand can help, but the best thing is being aware you are doing it and trying to be mindful to stop. I know this is easier said than done. But also being aware of heightened anxiety may be why you are doing this can be beneficial. When do you do it, are you stressed. I also chew a lot of gum.

      Reply
  • Jim

    My OCD is bad I’m a checker everything in house must be a cirtin way . While checking I grind teeth because I know what I’m doing is stupid but still do it check check check . It builds up the stress then little things get me mad some times I break my oun stuff out of frustration . Once I break one thing it makes me mad that I Brock it but I keep going untill iv destroyed almost all my stuff . When done I’m exhausted I sit back and think about what I did and go into deep depression and don’t clean or anything for over a week I just wake up mad and discussed. Lost and overwhelmed. Then for a few days after the real storm I’ll still walk around breaking my oun shit still not in rage though just because I feel like iv already lost everything and can’t replace it . So out of discust I choose to torcher myself more by breaking small things all week . During that week my OCD leaves I become a pig no shower just sadness . Why do I torcher myself in a sick way it feels good.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Hi Jim, I know this is a bad time with the pandemic going around. Do you live in an area where there are OCD specialists? On this site you can get help finding a therapist by your location. I know therapy can be costly, there are also a lot of good books out there on OCD and depression. I’ve mentioned above in other post responses. Are you on any medication and have you received treatment before for OCD or depression?

      Reply
  • Jay

    I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD. I was just wondering what was wrong with my brain, started looking up how I was feeling, and have come across OCD many times. My brain gets locked in the same repetitive thoughts for months on end. it feels like torture. I don’t have any outward physical compulsions that I know of, so I never really believed I had OCD. However this article resonates with me. When I get into these obsessive episodes, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I fluctuate between pure panic and then being fatigued/depressed. I keep asking others close to me the “reassurance questions”. They help for a few minutes, but the thoughts come back. Id do anything to think normally. Living like this for months makes me feel isolated and defeated. Something is constantly eating at me and I cannot stop it. I talk to anyone I feel comfortable enough with and they just don’t understand why I “think that way”. it’s crushing and I feel like it ruins my life around me. Constant reassurance by someone you’re in a relationship with can take a toll, especially when that person doesn’t say the exact thing you need to hear and you fly into a panic again. I feel so lost but also somehow I feel stuck. I don’t know how to get out of my own head. The thoughts intrude and they’re often traumatizing or heartbreaking ones. I don’t want to think about these things anymore. Day to day life is difficult. I wake up wishing I wasn’t alive. I don’t want another day like this.

    Reply
    • Jessica Price

      Hi Jay,

      Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Please don’t hesitate to contact us at info@iocdf.org so our resource specialist can help you.

      Reply
      • Jonathan

        Hi Jay. I too didn’t have outward compulsions that people could see while having constant intrusive thoughts over and over. The only relief I got was while sleeping. I would take Jessica’s advice and seek help. You can get better but reassurance seeking is not the way, trust me. Get a therapist who can teach you about ERP for OCD and ask about a psychiatrist who may help you with medication. I found medication extremely helpful along with the ERP. Hang in there, I didn’t want to go on another day either. But this can be treated and you can get better if you put the steps in.

        Reply
    • paige

      i’ve been feeling the exact same way, same thoughts that were mentioned in this article. it’s killing me honestly, i just want it to end, i don’t know how i got this way. i cry everyday and i don’t know what do. i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd and never thought that i had it. i was diagnosed with anxiety, and soon as i was everything just got worse and it isn’t letting up. i’m scared and i truly don’t wanna live anymore and i only stay because i don’t wanna hurt the people who love me.

      Reply
      • Jessica Price

        Hi Paige. Thank you for sharing your story, and we are so sorry to hear of your difficulties. It sounds like it has been a very tough path for you, and hopefully we can work together to move forward.
        Please feel free to call our offices so we can work through your options together – we can be reached at (617) 973-5801 between 9:00am – 5:00pm EST. If you like, you can also take a look at our website at http://www.iocdf.org. There is a lot of good information about OCD and treatment options, including our Resource Directory to find help in your area.
        Additionally, we urge you to call the National Lifeline if you ever feel like harming yourself or ending your own life. The National Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, or online at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (they have an online chat function if you are in crisis). Having OCD can be a very hard journey, but there are options out there and there is hope.

        Reply
      • Jonathan

        Hi Paige. Please follow Jessica’s advice. Reach out. I was convinced I had to kill myself as I mentioned in this article. But with the right treatment, medication and therapist you can get better. OCD is highly treatable, please take the first step. Hang in there. It’s OCD ruling your life now, this is temporary. OCD and what it is telling you is not the real you.

        Reply
    • Chi

      Hello Jay & Jonathan,

      I know this article was written in 2017, and I am just now commenting on it, so I dont know if you can read my comment.

      Since I was little, say the age of 8 was when I noticed I started having some form of obsessive thoughts, however I would just live with them until they resolved, which could take weeks or months. I didnt know those thoughts were OCD, so I would usually just say I have anxiety. Those thoughts were in the form of health issues, feeling like I have asthma where I feel I cant breathe, feeling like I have diabetes and always feeling the need to pee, and feeling like I have chicken pox and my body feels itchy, when I dont have these things. I know they all sound stupid when I explain it to people, but with the chicken pox episode, I always dreaded getitng kidnapped and my hands being tied up, so I cant scratch my body if it feels itchy.

      Fast forward to June 2022, now 24 year old female, I had an entirely new episode, this episode is related to sexual images and feelings. This was the first time I ever associated my anxiety with OCD, because I used to believe OCD was more about cleanliness. It disturbed me so much that I finally decided to open up to someone really close to me, my husband but they only made me feel worse because they couldn’t understand, which I also understand. Its been months now, and not a single day passes where I don’t get these overwhelming thoughts and feelings. I would usually avoid places and people that will worsen how I feel, but of course that doesnt work and that is not how I want to live. After I resolve a particular train of thought, the next one pops up. Right now, I am stuck with a sexual thought I had once in the past, which I never recalled until the onset of this OCD episode. This thought was say 7, 8 years ago and my mind cant seem to let this thought go. Even when I feel like I resolve this thought, the next related thought would pop out again.

      What’s the hardest for me is that my past OCD was a fear of the future, something that wasn’t real, but this one is fighting me for a thought I had years ago in my past. Also, it makes me feel because I had that thought in the past and I wasnt OCD, then it is real. My sisters have continued to reassure me and tell me those thoughts are meaningless, but my brain is still finds it hard to accept those thoughts are meaningless. The reassuring gives me peace for some moments or even days, but then I go back to panic mode. please what do I do?

      Reply
      • IOCDF Logo White
        International OCD Foundation

        Hello Chi, Please feel free to email us at info@iocdf.org and our resource specialist can send you information and connect you with support.

        Reply
      • Jonathan

        Reassurance will only grant temporary relief from OCD. ERP along with medication and CBT is the evidence based way to truly get rid of OCD. It isn’t easy, but you can do it.

        Reply
  • Alouis Yap

    I’m an OCD sufferer for over 20 years. Now I realised my intrusive thoughts won’t realised. Please tell me, have you thought that if you dont do what your OCD tells you, will the thought become real? Example: Whatever I want to do, like turning the door knob, my brain tells me to redo, if not my loved ones will get the consequences that my brain shows me in the mind. It actually shows me the image.

    Reply
  • Jonathan

    OCD seems like it is showing you an image and is very real. But at the end of the day it’s OCD; it’s just thoughts. It’s like a gargoyle on your shoulder lying to you all day. The more you give the thoughts merit and do what they ask, the more you reinforce that thought is valid and OK. How to get out of that loop? Seek exposure response prevention from a reputable psychologist who genuinely knows about OCD and inquire if medication is right for you from a psychiatrist they may recommend. 20 years suffering is 20 years too long. Please get the help you deserve.

    Reply
    • Auri

      I feel emotionally withdrawn. I haven’t yet talked to anyone about this but I get thoughts about something happening to the people and things I care about or a sentence pops up in my head that’s like my voice saying they want this to happen to them. And the voice is so familiar, and I feel so numb.

      It makes me ask if this is how it’s for everyone with OCD?

      Reply
      • Jonathan

        I would recommend getting diagnosed. OCD sounds very unique to the sufferer; like a situation nobody else has. We ask, this can’t be OCD, this is real, right?

        At the end of the day, it’s just OCD. You have to get diagnosed, if it is OCD, treat it as OCD. If the thoughts are repetitious throughout the day and hampering your ability to enjoy life; seek treatment. OCD is a liar and will convince you otherwise.

        Reply
        • Alec

          Hello Jonathan, how can I practice ERP at home? Also, is it normal to think these thoughts are who you are or who you will be? (For a person with OCD).

          Reply
          • Jessica Price

            Hi Alec — Please feel free to email us at info@iocdf.org and our resource specialist can send you information and connect you with support.

          • Jonathan

            Hi Alec, it is normal for OCD to lie to you and tell you everything under your sun that it finds to bother you or someone with OCD. It’s like a gargoyle on your shoulder lying to you. So yes, nothing suprises me with OCD thoughts.

    • Nicolas

      Hi Jonathan, I’m reading this blog and you seem to be very knowledgeable about this, though my main concern is if I can’t find a therapist for lack of resources what can I do? Plus I have the fear that if I do ERP on my own it will actually make it worse. What do you suggest I do in the meantime? I’d say my worse symptoms right now are magical thinking and negative fortune telling. I appreciate your response.

      Reply
      • Jonathan

        ERP on your own, when starting out can be tough. YouTube has some great resources about ERP, but be careful. I saw quite a few therapists who claimed they understood OCD but had no clue about ERP.

        Insurance can sometimes be a pain, and theraphy can be expensive. However, living in pain is far more costly. The OCD Foundation has a section where you can find a therapist by location and online/offline I believe.

        https://iocdf.org/find-help/

        Be well, I hope you find help soon.

        Reply
  • Tyler

    I have been diagnosed with OCD, I have just started to talk to a specialist, but I’m still waiting to have our actual treatment session. Our first session was just history. I’m struggling very hard with seeking reassurance for intrusive thoughts that I want to tell my mother about. I cannot get over the idea that if I don’t tell her I will never be able to think straight again. Telling her won’t help anything other than giving me reassurance, but telling myself that doesn’t seem to be helping. Please help.

    Reply
    • Jessica Price

      Hi Tyler–Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Please send our resource specialist a note at info@iocdf.org and she can help you find support.

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      Take your time, listen to your OCD specialist, the theraphy works and along the way I too had many struggles with seeking reassurance. Once you figure out this issue, OCD will just find something else to harp on. You can do it.

      Reply
  • Jonathan

    Hi Alec, it is normal for OCD to lie to you and tell you everything under your sun that it finds to bother you or someone with OCD. It’s like a gargoyle on your shoulder lying to you. So yes, nothing suprises me with OCD thoughts.

    Reply
    • Jessica Price

      Hi Jonathan! Thank you for your comment. Please send us an email at info@iocdf.org and we can forward your message along.

      Reply
  • Sarah

    My kids suffer with ocd voice I find it so upsetting for them and if they try to ignore it , it tells them to do something else. Its heartbreaking. Any ideas to help break it down . Please

    Reply
    • Jessica Price

      Hi Sarah, thank you for sharing that, and I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. Please contact us at info@iocdf.org or (617) 973-5801 and our resource specialist will help you find support.

      Reply
    • Jonathan

      I would see an OCD specialist, like Jessica mentioned. At least talk to someone to get the correct diagnosis these “voices” are in fact OCD. Hang in there.

      Reply
  • Ivy

    Thank you so much! I’m 13 and I’ve been suffering from OCD for about 6 years now. I didn’t know I was suffering from it and was to scared to tell anyone what was going on inside my brain until I saw this. I don’t know why I started doing OCD it just kind off crept up on me, but as time went on it started to become much more noticable. I had to count my steps all the time and had to have the door closed in every room and the lights on all the time. I started doing more and more of these things just quietly and started to give objects personalities to rationalise what I was doing because I thought I was going crazy. It didn’t get to a sucidle point but I couldn’t wash myself and keep myself clean or sleep in a bed. Doing either of those things would send me into a complete meltdown. But after reading this I tried recording it and every time I wanted to run away I told myself No! And put on the recording. I’m now looking after myself and I’m hanging around with my friends and my family again! Thank you (sorry this is so long)

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      That is great to hear, hang in there, treatment works.

      Reply
  • Joseph

    Hi Jonathan,

    Reading your post gave me a jolt of hope and belief. My OCD is mental too, and is seemingly centred around my health. The ongoing brain fog, coupled by intrusive thoughts send me in a constant cycle of worry, anxiety, and hopelessness. When I do get those moments of temporary relief, the world looks clear. But when the fog and inability to think outside of the “OCD” brain, life is tough.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      OCD can be treated, we do not have to suffer. Medication and ERP can change your life around. You need to find a doctor who understands OCD and has experience along with a psychiatrist who understands OCD. Hang in there.

      Reply
  • Soona

    I have suffered with ocd since my teens for the last 30years.it has waxed and waned though I have otherwise led a normal life. My ocd is regarding wishing end for old people particularly close ones. I am very ashamed of these wishes but just am not able to control there recurrence. I know logically what I as m thinking is wrong but it seems my feelings are otherwise. My doctor advises me to just let the bad thoughts pass. But I just cannot get around the idea that I am an evil person.

    Reply
  • Soona

    Though my psychiatrist tells me it is ocd, I strongly believe that the I’ll thoughts come out of my belief system because I have reasons and logic’s backing my thoughts. They are very distressing and demean myself as a person but just can’t stop them.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Hi Soona, have you reached out for help regarding OCD? OCD will lie to you and make you believe many things that are not true.

      Reply
  • I’m 62 years old and OCD has tormented me and buffeted my brain for years upon years and just keeps getting more difficult and bizarre. The Intrusive unwanted thoughts images and sensations I get really trouble me. I have had no relief except I have been on a Benzodiazepine medication for the past 6 years now. I have pretty much accepted that I will never get “out of my thoughts” since OCD is a life long misery disease.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Have you tried ERP with a trained OCD therapist?

      Reply
  • Chi

    Hello Jonathan,

    I know this article was written in 2017, and I am just now commenting on it, so I dont know if you can read my comment.

    Since I was little, say the age of 8 was when I noticed I started having some form of obsessive thoughts, however I would just live with them until they resolved, which could take weeks or months. I didnt know those thoughts were OCD, so I would usually just say I have anxiety. Those thoughts were in the form of health issues, feeling like I have asthma where I feel I cant breathe, feeling like I have diabetes and always feeling the need to pee, and feeling like I have chicken pox and my body feels itchy, when I dont have these things. I know they all sound stupid when I explain it to people, but with the chicken pox episode, I always dreaded getitng kidnapped and my hands being tied up, so I cant scratch my body if it feels itchy.

    Fast forward to June 2022, now 24 year old female, I had an entirely new episode, this episode is related to sexual images and feelings. This was the first time I ever associated my anxiety with OCD, because I used to believe OCD was more about cleanliness. It disturbed me so much that I finally decided to open up to someone really close to me, my husband but they only made me feel worse because they couldn’t understand, which I also understand. Its been months now, and not a single day passes where I don’t get these overwhelming thoughts and feelings. I would usually avoid places and people that will worsen how I feel, but of course that doesnt work and that is not how I want to live. After I resolve a particular train of thought, the next one pops up. Right now, I am stuck with a sexual thought I had once in the past, which I never recalled until the onset of this OCD episode. This thought was say 7, 8 years ago and my mind cant seem to let this thought go. Even when I feel like I resolve this thought, the next related thought would pop out again.

    What’s the hardest for me is that my past OCD was a fear of the future, something that wasn’t real, but this one is fighting me for a thought I had years ago in my past. Also, it makes me feel because I had that thought in the past and I wasnt OCD, then it is real. My sisters have continued to reassure me and tell me those thoughts are meaningless, but my brain is still finds it hard to accept those thoughts are meaningless. The reassuring gives me peace for some moments or even days, but then I go back to panic mode. please what do I do?

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      The content of your obsessions does not matter; OCD is treated the same way whether you have fear of running people over or sexual thoughts: with ERP. Please seek out help from a trained therapist in OCD. ERP works. It’s hard work, but reassurance is only temporary relief. You can do it.

      Reply
  • Bailey MacDonald

    Hi Jonathan, this article you have written has made me feel very reassured that I do have OCD. I worry so much that my intrusive thoughts aren’t OCD. The part where you said like waking up for another day being hit with the automatic thoughts connects with how I’m feeling very much. It’s so hard. This is the second round of these intrusive thoughts that I’ve gone through. Last time I tried to get help but nothing worked, the psychologist said I had OCD but then my counselor didn’t do anything about that she only spoke about flight or fright mode, she didn’t even bring up the topic of OCD so I only ever attended that one appointment. During this period I felt scared, anxious and very sad I ended up just saying to myself that if I just act better and don’t tell anyone I will get better. It eventually did but then it came back around the same time it started the previous time. Since then I haven’t gotten any better. I go to bed every night knowing I’m going to wake up tomorrow and have to go through the same pain. It’s so weird when I wake up I will feel stress free for like 2 seconds then those thoughts automatically kick in then it starts again. I’m not seeing a counselor yet as I am to afraid, I’m afraid that I won’t get better so I don’t try which sounds silly. I just want to thank you for what you have written it has made so much sense to me and I hope you are getting/ feeling better.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Bailey, I emplore you to seek out a real OCD trained therapist and speak with them. ERP works. Medication works. It will take time and effort, but you can do it. I thought suicide was the only way out. There is a path to freedom. You do not have to live like this.

      Reply
  • M8ke

    Thank you for sharing this. We must always remember that our OCD thoughts are truly not us. God bless you.

    Reply
    • Jonathan

      Thank you.

      Reply
  • Anthony Borgniet

    Your story sounds exactly the same as mine. It’s uncanny.

    It would be great to connect with you.

    Do you have a social media link ?

    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Jonathan H Symond

      I am not big on social media, my email is a few comments above, what is your email?

      Reply
  • Michelle

    I too have OCD. Mine depends on what happens to me but this last bout I was scared of going to Hell and keep trying to answer the question if if it’s real. Lasted a month and I’m scared it will happen again.I went back on meds which have slowed it right down if anyone wants a shoulder to cry on my email is bushmirror64@gmail.com
    I nearly drowned in a flood last year and it slowly sent me into CPTSD my name is Michelle I am 59

    Reply

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