When someone you love has a BFRB, you may have some questions about the behavior and what you can do to help. You may also feel worried, frustrated, confused, or unsure of how to respond. Learning about BFRBs can be an important step. Understanding that BFRBs are not just bad habits or something someone can just stop is paramount.
As a significant other, your support and approach to the behavior can make a difference. At the same time, it’s important to remember that it is not your job to control or manage your partner’s BFRB for them. Your role is to support your loved one while respecting their autonomy and taking care of yourself too.
What You Can Do to Help:
- Be supportive, not overbearing: It can be tempting to point out when you notice your loved one is pulling, picking, biting, or engaging in another BFRB. However, repeatedly monitoring or reminding them to stop is not helpful and may often cause stress or tension in the relationship.
- Let them lead: Ask your loved one with a BFRB how they want you to respond when you see them engaging in the behavior, and try to respect their answer. They may want you to give them a code word, hand them a fidget, ask how they're feeling, remind them that you love them, or do nothing at all.
- Avoid shame and criticism: Commenting on your significant other’s behavior can add to feelings of distress, shame or make them feel as though it is a character flaw. If you see them struggling, try responding with patience and compassion rather than criticism.
- Recognize what's your to carry: Your loved one with a BFRB is likely navigating a lot of their own feelings around the behavior, too. Remember that you can care for your own emotional needs while also giving them space to navigate theirs.
- Respect their boundaries and privacy: Your significant other may not want other people to know about their BFRB. Be sure to ask if they are comfortable with you sharing before you mention anything to friends or family.
- Remember they are more than their BFRB: A BFRB is only one part of their life and identity. Avoid letting the behavior become the focus of your relationship. There are many qualities and interests in your partner that make up who they are. Be sure they know you love them for all of them.
- Understanding Ambivalence: You loved one likely has mixed feelings about their BFRB, meaning a part of them wants to stop and another part of them doesn't. This might look like the person is unmotivated or doesn't care about stopping, but it's really a sign of a complex internal tug-of-war, not a reflection of their effort or how they feel about you.
- Remember, there is a reason: While BFRBs can be baffling for those who don't have them, trust that there is a reason the person keeps coming back to the behavior, even if they don't know what that reason is. For many people with BFRBs, the behavior serves as a coping tool or way to regulate themselves, offering soothing, stimulation, or a kind of escape.
- Take care of yourself too: Supporting a significant other with a BFRB can be challenging. Be sure that you continue to make space for your own relationships, interests, and well-being. Being a good support system also means taking care of yourself too.
- Be Compassionate: Begin by listening, learning, and asking what they might need from you as opposed to assuming. Remember you do not have to fix their BFRB to be supportive. Just being there without judgement can mean a lot.
Things to Avoid
- Repeatedly telling someone to stop
- Making negative comments
- Monitoring the constantly watching for the bfrb
- Nagging someone about treatment
- Sharing about their BFRB without their permission
Select content from this webpage was initially published in 2024 by the TLC Foundation for BFRBs in a blog titled "Some More Advice For Significant Others" by Fred Penzel, PhD.