A sunrise over a deck. « Blog

By Stephanie Sousa

Those were the words I told myself time and time again. I washed my hands knowing there was no rationality behind the idea that I may have been near something that was “contaminated”. I still took that 3-hour shower after being reassured by family members that I was indeed safe. Even after being flagged at the Apple store for repeatedly destroying my phones, I still ran them under soap and water to ensure it was safe. It wasn’t something I looked forward to or even a task I enjoyed but I had to do it, just in case. Like so many others I didn’t see a way to recover. I felt as though I was trapped in an empty room hoping to be saved but too afraid to open the door to any who knocked. Keeping that door closed was my only chance of keeping those demons at bay, but I was wrong.

I spent four months at McLean Hospital’s OCDI, they were some of the most difficult moments of my life, but also the most transformative, and influential. I didn’t just leave McLean in remission; I left a completely changed human being. I decided at that moment that I wanted to give the same hope to others that I had received. I was not an easy case to handle by any means. At the time of my admission, I had been living in my room for the past 4 years, too afraid to leave my bed. When I was forced to leave for work, I would keep all my belongings locked, just in case someone touched them. I washed my hands in secret to the point of bleeding and continuously used rubbing alcohol for sanitization. I isolated myself from friends and family and would go without food or water because I didn’t know who touched it. Looking back, it’s hard to believe the amount of progress this program was able to achieve. On my last day at McLean, I was asked if the treatment had been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it wasn’t. Those years following my compulsions, avoiding my loved ones, and living in constant fear and anxiety were so much more draining than any ERP that I had experienced.

I took back now at what OCD had taken from me. I was not, and am not, my illness. The compulsions and avoidant behaviors were drawn together by a disease that finds what you love and uses it against you. The fear is controlled by the same organ in which this lives, and those feelings of rationality that show up and tell you it doesn’t make sense, that’s you! What helped me most in my recovery was the knowledge that I was taking back control. I had all of the power this time, and the more my OCD pushed back the more inspiration it provided me. I promised myself that I would no longer let this disease decide my future. I couldn’t control my thoughts or fears, but I’d be damn sure that my actions were my own! I can’t sit here and pretend to know all the answers and tell you what works best, but I will say this. You deserve better, you deserve the life you’ve always wanted and the happiness you dream of. You deserve to live the life you choose, and you are anything but alone. The exposures are your chance to fight back, so look OCD in the mirror and do what you’ve always been capable of. Show’em who’s boss. I hope to help others who live with OCD and feel alone in their journey to recovery, so I tell my own story, you know, just in case.

6 Comments

  • Linda Garcia

    Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. My son has OCD (contamination) and I saw him and felt him in each of your words. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m going to ask him to read your words.

    Reply
    • Stephanie

      Thank you for your kind words, I hope they help you and your son to find peace from this difficult disease. Feel free to reach out if either of you need anything.

      Reply
      • Helen

        Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. My daughter has OCD and this gives me hope. I will get her read this to inspire her to keep persisting to show OCD who is boss.

        Reply
      • Stephanie Sousa

        I’m so glad you found my story inspirational, the hardest part is letting go of control but in the end, you have all the control over OCD. I hope she continues to fight and takes back her freedom. 😁

        Reply
      • Stephanie Sousa

        I’m so glad you found my story inspirational, the hardest part is letting go of control but in the end, you have all the control over OCD. I hope she continues to fight and takes back her freedom. 😁

        Reply
  • Tatiana

    Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your story. My adult son is dealing with OCD since the pandemic started. However, reading the 1st part of your blog will only trigger him, creating more anxiety in him. So he will only read the positive aspects of any blog or information, focusing on the positive and minimizing the negative neuro pathways in his brain. He is doing brain retraining for at least 15 mins /day plus impromptu challenges out in the “real world” but he is slowly making some headway. We purchased the “Our 6 Moment Game” online course by Dr Reid Wilson and slowly working through that. Ideally he would like to find an accountability buddy that he can work with on a weekly basis or a mentor but no luck so far.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *