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By Jared Hoeft

 

My name is Jared. I’m a musician, which for me includes composing, songwriting, teaching, and performing, and I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder in the form of “just right” OCD. 

I feel an overwhelming and often debilitating need for certain things in my life, not everything but just certain things, to feel perfect, complete, or under control. 

When something doesn’t feel “just right,” it dominates my thoughts like a dark, heavy cloud of despair. I have a difficult time focusing on anything else until I can find some way to resolve the imperfection. In order to avoid that unbearable feeling, I am compelled to engage in repetitive rituals that involve checking, adjusting, or arranging things until they feel “just right.” Things can often feel wrong even if there is no logical reason for me to feel that way.

In my life, OCD has always targeted the things that are the most meaningful and important to me. This has included hobbies and relationships, and for most of my adult life, it has included my music, especially my work as a composer. 

Every aspect of the music I write feels like it must be perfect. I have spent days in agonizing internal deliberation over how to conclude a melody or structure the harmony, for example. But the need for perfection goes beyond just my creative choices. I use computer software to notate the music I write as sheet music, and my OCD wants these documents to feel “just right” as well. I often fall into repetitive rituals such as moving text back and forth, moving the cursor along an arbitrary path, or undoing and redoing various actions until they feel “just right.”

Fortunately, I have been able to fight back against my OCD. In the past several years, I have worked through a variety of treatment methods in therapy, including exposure and response prevention (ERP), and I have found medications that help with my symptoms by turning down the volume, so to speak. But I know that living with this condition will be a lifelong struggle. OCD is a vicious monster, and my wife, Amanda, came up with a name for this monster. She named my OCD “Grumpy Brain,” which helps us identify the symptoms by name while drawing attention to how utterly ridiculous the monster can be.

The music I write often defies categorization and draws inspiration from many different styles, including folk music, jazz, modern classical, progressive rock, and new age music. Regardless of genre, I feel a deep desire to express my experiences and emotions through my music, and since OCD has been such an overwhelming aspect of my life, I wanted to write a piece of music expressing my experience with OCD. 

The result is “Grumpy Brain,” a duet named after my own OCD, and I am so excited to share it with you!

“Grumpy Brain” is a theme and ten variations for flute and piano. It begins with a beautiful melody, the theme, which represents everything that is meaningful to me. Each variation alters this theme in different ways, ultimately turning it into a corrupted version of itself, representing how OCD takes over and corrupts the things that are meaningful to us. 

Parts of this piece will sound ugly, because OCD can be ugly. In this recording, my wife Amanda played the flute, and I played the piano. I sincerely hope you enjoy “Grumpy Brain,” and for those of you suffering from OCD, I hope you find it meaningful and helpful on your difficult journey. 

Take care of yourselves and thank you so much for listening!


 

If you want to hear more of the music I write and perform with my wife, you can find us on YouTube or Facebook and our official website is www.hoeft-music.com.

We have a new album of original music, “Memories,” available on our website and on most streaming services.

  

Comments

  • Lisa Morelli-Shannon

    Thank you for sharing your story and inspiration. My 15 year old daughter is diagnosed OCD, perfectionism and anxiety and we are battling and trying to help her find answers. I will share your story and music with her. Much love and light to you on the healing path. May you continue to transform this suffering and rise stronger from it.

    Reply

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